Beginings are scary, Endings are nearly always sad, and the good bit lies in the middle. That’s what I was told as a child about life.
I was told to expect that starting anything new would scare me. This panned out to be true. I was told that the end of most things is sad. This also panned out to be true. I was also told that the joy of life would most likely be found in the bit that lies between what is new and what has ended.. also true.
I love the middle of anything. Once the fear of starting something new has subsided, I seem to hit cruise control and the best of me comes out. I am so unbelievably crap at starting over. It seems I can never choose and I am never chosen. Beginings allude me.
Starting something for me generates one thousand lists of pros and cons which I half arssedly play with forever. I audition situations and possible outcomes for ever, until time runs out then I am forced into plumping for what ever is the only option available at that time… which often is not quite the one I should have gone for. I do wish I would get chosen… but as I said I never am and I am as bad at choosing options so eventually I just drift into a situation and have to get on with it.
But once I have learnt the ropes of whatever situation I now find myself in… a kind of magic happens. It’s like the unexpected yummy centre of an apparently hard boiled sweet… its a reward for sticking with what seemed unlikely.
I have managed to be remarkably good at jobs that I had no predisposition for but had to take as bills needed paying. I have managed to be an outstatnding girlfriend to men I was at first totatlly unattracted to. It is the same situation with friends – so many of the people I am closest to now are not the people whose friendship I actively courted. The beginings of all these situations were scarey. They were unknown, I had to find resources within myself to deal with them. I had to find resources I never knew I had… but once that was over, I was in the middle.
And once you are in the middle – you have a opportunity to shine, to love and be loved, to smile and laugh and return the favour – which is the best part of all. There is no drama in the middle. The middle is not the stuff of stories… in movies the middle is often sped-through with a montage of images to a backing track.. (you never hear what is said in middle, you just see people looking happy).
But we never seem to stay in the middle for long. Before we know it we are facing the thing I fear most… the bit that is nearly always sad.. An ending.
There is a finality about things ending. It means no going back… Game Over.
It is not just the loss of the middle that has generated in me a fear of endings… for what else does an ending lead to if not the scary world of the something new… but worse ending also by nature have to be a climax…which is just soooooooo exhausting.
Endings have to climatic by nature… something always dies… be it a person or a situation. There has to be a bereavement of sorts, followed by some kind of wake.
It is such a performance piece! It demands large gestures and actions of finality..closed doors, buried boxes and the like.
However, There is at least some luck in my geography… I don’t HAVE to do endings. I live in Europe! Here the local preference has always been to just drift out of situations and leave a gap in a window so that we may crawl back in later…if the opportunity arises. Of course historically this is not good.. never having dealt with situations to the point of finality means that England , France and Germany have spent the better part of 10 centuries beating the crap out of each other with each war being the last… till the next one. BUT over all the system is ideal for people like me who sometimes can simply not be asked with participating the drama ending anything usually demands.
Then of course the happy clappy Americans just HAD to go and change that… suddenly the word CLOSURE entered our language.
We are all now supposed to work hard on endings… things need CLOSURE now .No more messy european fade to grey with a shrug.. nope CLOSURE, everything must have a finality about it. Everything must be born at the beginning, live in the middle and die at the end. CLOSURE. Then and only then are you free to move on.
There is no escape… it is now expected that we must deal with the ends of things and once this exhausting process is over somehow have the strenght to deal with the beginings of things.
I have no idea how one is supposed to do this, for instance when I recently lost my job to redundancy the demand for closure was high… the last time I got made redundant I just went out the door same day. But now they make you go back to your desk and everyone was asking… how are you gonna put this to rest?. Like I should have a plan sorted when the whole damn thing was news to me! All I was thinking was heck I have to start on a new begining (and I hate beginings), but there were all these people asking me about closure on the old situation. So I gave closure the only way I know how.. I had a party. We celebrated the redundancy like a irish wake and much drinking, dancing and talking-bollix took place till a ludicrous hour of the morning.
I am not sure if that is what is meant by closure but people have stopped asking me about the demise of my job now – so it worked for me! Thing is I am crap at closure, I have no idea how you do it, however as it is the middle where life (the good bit) actually happens, I guess you just have to keep going till you get to the middle.
It’s a good idea to remember that when you end up back at a begining. AGAIN.
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